The Times.

I love the fact that I kept a diary when I was younger. When I read through the entries from various years of my life I get to see how I've changed, but something I love even more than that is to see the ways I haven't changed at all. It's true, there's a lot of cringing involved when I read through it, but every now and then I read an entry that makes me feel just a little proud of myself. It reminds me of the goals I set as a youngster, and even though I'm no where even close to achieving them, I realise I've made progress.
I love the fact that when I was sixteen I my goals were to study hard, be a nice person, be patient and accepting. These are still my goals. Sure, there are a few more tacked on the list these days, but in essance it's the same. I don't think this is a bad thing in the slightest. Change is great, but with goals like these it's unneccessary.
I love reading about what I thought I wanted to be. Sixteen year old Jessica wanted to go to University half way across the world, she wanted to study art and atrophysics, but be a psychologist by day, and sip hot chocolate from the finest cafes in France. I had a "List of People I Want to Marry." Including a whole bunch of B list celebrities from ABCTV. Sixteen year old me had to write everything down just to sort it out. Twenty year old me is studying at tafe, to be an electrician, I hate the idea of France and can't even fathom the idea of marriage due to a horrid fear of committment and a habit of changing my mind at the drop of a hat. Twenty year old Jess doesn't write anything down, she just pushes it down so it goes away. Basically I'm not anywhere near where I planned to be, but you know what, I love that fact.
I love that I don't keep a diary like I used to, because it means nothing is so wrong that I need to get the pen and paper out to figure it out. I love that I'm not half way across the world, because it means I appreciate everything I have here in front of me more than I ever did four years ago. I love that I'm studying to be an Electrician, simply because I never EVER saw it coming. And i love that I'm scared of committment, because it means I won't rush anything.
I'm just so glad that I can make the assessment that, yeah, I'm doing pretty well considering. I may hae changed, but all the important things have remained. I still try every day to be a better person than I was the day before, and frankly I'm impressed that sixteen year old me was doing that too. I still give everyone a fair go, even when they give me absolutely no reason to trust them. I'm much more carefree now, and I think I enjoy myself more. And if every four years I can notice more positive change in myself, then I think I have a very happy life ahead of me.

I know life isn't meant to be easy, but I think if you have the right attitude even the difficult parts can be a pleasure.

I hope I am facing every day with the best possible attitude I can muster. I feel like in my environment it's all I can do, because if I don't I'll just fall down and never get back up. Sometimes I get tired of it, of always looking for the positive and of trying my best, but what else can you do? I've seen people take several alternatives and it's not pretty! I hope sometimes I'm doing it right. What if my frame of mind is completely wrong? What happens then? But I only worry for a second before I tell myself "Hey, you're doing pretty well for yourself!"

I might not be rich or famous... but then again why would I want to be? Fame and fortune doesn't equate to success in my books. Sometimes I have to remind myself exactly why I am successful, and I think that's what this post is all about, so excuse me if I sound like I'm gloating... I'm just trying to reassure myself I'm on the right path. Recently I've learned a lot of lessons I will keep with me for life. I've learned these lessons in a place I never thought I wold, my workplace. Not only am I trained on how to be an electrician, I'm being trained on how to be successful, happy, grateful, carefree, confident, friendly, patient and so many other things I just never thought would stem from a job.

I'm a woman in a man's world... and I love it! I've never felt more like I'm making a difference than I do in this job. I hope one day I can be called one of the pioneer females in the trades industry. I hope I can be an example to others, and I hope I'm representing my gender in a way that deserves respect from my colleagues. I try my best and so far the responses I'm getting from my superiors and workmates tells me that I am more than capable to do this job.

I think this has shaped my character in many positive ways. I've become much more confident in myself, and can easily carry out a conversation with a stranger. I've leaned not to take other people's opinions so seriously, because in the end my opinion is the only one that's going to affect me. I've learned too many lessons to list and met so many wonderful people.. and I'm only a second year apprentice! At one point I wanted to chuck this job in, I hated it and I wanted to quit, the best lesson I've learned is that you dont know what each new day will bring, and if you shy away from it you never will. It could be the best day of your life but if you aren't brave enough to get up and face the challenges then you won't ever receive the blessings. My job is a blessing that I deserve because I kept getting up, kept suffering, until one day it wasn't so bad, and then the next day it was fun, soon after it was a pleasure and now I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm a Little Angry

Words cannot describe how annoyed I am right now. I've been trying to take it in my stride and just move forward, but I won't until I get this little rant articulated so I can reassure myself that I am right and they are wrong.
I belong to a community that has little respect for boundaries. I think it's my fault because I have not established any, however that is about to change. I grew up in this community, the adults there were role models to me, as well as leaders, unquestionably trusted due to my innocence and naivety. I've been through the awkward adolecent period where every adult who doesn't share my opinion is the enemy, and I feel I am well and truely past that, moved on to the period where I can actually, calmly and rationaly, hear someones opinion and make a judgement based on my feelings, beliefs and character, not based on my trust for said person or their status. Meaning, before I make a conclusion, I think about it for myself... I don't just jump to it because that's what someone else thinks, or wants me to do.
So this is where boundaries come in... The people in my community have not yet realised that I have made this transition, and I accept this is my fault because up until now I've been unsure how to implement the changes in myself, I feel it and I do it, but I don't show it. In many ways I still give these people what they're pushing for, even though I dont want to... I just didn't know how to say or do what I wanted to do and still be respectful to these people, and also remain comfortable in myself (they have a tendancy to get inside my comfort zone and then tear it to shreads to get what they want from me, and whether or not they manipulate that fact to get what they want, I dont know, but I should hope not). No more childs play for me... I have every right to want what I want, whether I leave early, keep personal information to myself, stay home on a sunday... Whatever! So my goal is to establish some boundaries, where it's not ok for people to ask me about my relationships... It's not ok for people to hassle me at the door to stay in church for the 35 minutes I don't want to stay... It's not ok for them to treat me with no respect, but be 'diappointed' when they don't recieve it in return. I'm not one of those people who say "If you want my respect, you have to earn it." I believe everyone deserves respect, however if I am disrespected by someone, they should then expect to work for my respect, because someone who can't treat me with basic decency does not deserve my time. I'm angry that this is the case, I wish it wasn't. Hopefully soon I will have the strength and knowledge to take control of my personal life, of my boundaries and of the way others talk to me.

Love

This blog is amaing. I've written some of the most insignificant things about my life, but reading over it, it really makes me happy. It's a reminder to me of all of the things that happen to me that I didn't even remember, of my state of mind during certain periods of my life and of how clever I sound sometimes...

I Don't.

I don't feel like putting my feelings into words... Sometimes I don't even want to feel them. I don't want to feel slightly lonely or a little bit sad because my skin isn't perfect. I don't want my self image to be affected by others opinions of me and I don't want my opinions of other people affecting their self worth. I want to live in a world where everyone is kind because they can be, not because someone has been judged worthy of kindness. I want to be able to accept everyone else for who they are, even if they're different from me in ways I will never understand or fully appreciate. I want to only say kind things. This is my goal.

Here's the Update.

The past two weeks of my life have been excellent. The wonderful and the awful have all melted into the perfect fortnight in my mind, and now I am going to immortalise it forever in this blog.
Friday27th; Party for my sophie. This party was in itself average, as most parties are, however the company was extraordinary. Special mention to abby, and her very special relationship with him who shall not be named, the awkwardness could be cut with a knife, instead I chse to stand back and laugh at it until I cried. Also Blayden, who wore white, aka everyone spill your drinks on me. Ben, with the brilliant "Talk clean to me" quote. And the first time I've stayed up til dawn. Mario and chips at 3am and also owl city! After the horrid music at that party I have never loved them more in my life.
Saturday28th; Sleeping all day so I would be up to HVB all night. Emily, Emma and I really pulled up and ht the town. Getting into maitland about 11pm, and realising it doesn't come alive til about 1230, we ventured into Eagle Boys to talk to our water aerobics instructer, who is quite an interesting character, and whose number I also scored. From there we went and sat by the river, because the night was gorgeous and awesome. Also quotes like "The moon is so bright" "I know it's like day outside" Def. not my finest hour! Dancing and going up and down the stairs! A million toilet trips!!! Silent guy! There was a guy who just came up to us, never said anything, mime asked me if I wanted to dance, then followed us downstairs and kept smelling emily's hair! Oh and 15 year old boy. Ahh and crutches guy. Poor guy had crutches and was trying to dance on the side of the dance floor but everyone left him, then when we came back he was dirty dancing with some skank! It was a proud moment, and also a little gross. That night was filled with hilarity. "Are you guys pretty shy?" "No, not really" (We just don't wanna talk to you.) The birth of the nuggets tradition.
The week; We have beach trips, weird texts with aerobics instructer, maitland for breakky with the girls, christmas lights spectacular (not that spectacular in my opinion), more really weird texts, officially weird between us now, it makes me laugh, laughing at girl who dislikes me trying to make me feel bad, I've really mastered the art of not letting people get to me, it's great. Carpark talks that make me want to scream. Cliche hour.
Weekend; Spent at HVB again, because it's just that awesome. Lots of dancing, saw silent guy again, and 15 yr old boy looked about 12 this weekend. So much fun. I love it.

While My Nails Dry

My head is spinning. I haven't been so nervous in so long. The thing is though, it isn't regular nervousness, I wish it was regular nerves because I know how to deal with that! This is a retarted "I can't do anything about this situation except think about it, which doesn't really help except to make me more nervous" type of nervousness. I hate this! All I can do is wait and see, and it isn't even that important, but I just wanna know what's going on, so it's at the top of the list of interesting things on my mind at the moment. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!
I wish I could just know. Everything would be better if I knew.