:) I Love It When He Smiles!

I'm finlly in a writing mood again. I think iy's because I have awesome hair (or maybe some free time?).
Lately I've been thinking a lot about everything other than life. Namely what happened before, and what's going to happen after. It's quite an interesting topic. Sometimes it literally hurts me to think about and I end up screaming and in the fetal position on my bed but that's okay, because it means I'm really delving. I started out with a lot of questions, particularly to do with intelligences, the pre existance, the role of God and the Savior in relation to the "worlds without number" and also the role that all worthy people will eventually play in the creation of their worlds without number. My questions, funnily enough, lead to more questions, which leads to me having an attack of the screams. After the screams I pull it together and start all over again. It's a fun little cycle.
I've also noticed how much I don't get people, and their ways. I think I've talked about this before. How people say one thing when they actually mean another. How small things like "she didn't write back to my text," can be so distressing. It's just mental! And by "it" I mean the lengths people read into things because of the fact that noone says what they mean anymore. And by noone I mean most people. I think when you speak, you should say what you want the other person to hear, then there will be a little less confusion. I used to do it myself. When someone was doing something that bothered me I would tell them I didn't care, expecting them to realise that "I don't care" is actually me saying shut up and go away please. But because I told them I didn't care, they didn't shut up and go away. After much thought, I decided I wanted to get what I wanted, and the key was to say what I was thinking, in the most direct (yet still polite) way possible. I swear by this now, it works and everyone is happy!

Ew.

I feel yuck. Today has not contributed the the advancement of my character in the slightest. I was rude, impatient, mean and horrid.

:)

Big Smiles!

Yumm

Until today I had forgotten the joy of snuggling up with a good book when it's cold out. It's not that I don't read very often, I do. It's just that I find it really hard to pick new books, especially since they're usually so expensive. Once I've found a good author though I tend to read everything they've ever written, and I have just purchased a new Audrey Niffenegger book, who was the author of the brilliant "The Time Traveller's Wife", a book I absolutely adore with my whole heart. So I've spent the better part of today reading "Her Fearful Symmetry" and I am not disappointed in the least. Actually the only problem is I finish books to fast and then I have the arduous task of selecting a new book. It's so hard!

I Bet You'll Never Guess What I Am!

I'm ready for a change.
I'm ready to smile.
I'm ready for something new.
I'm ready for an adventure.
I'm ready for secret glances.
I'm ready to be chased.
I'm ready to worry about whether I look good enough.
I'm ready to be completely embarrassed.
I'm ready to be bitterly disappointed.
I'm ready to lie awake and wonder.
I'm ready to feel inadequate and horribly lame.
I'm ready to let the butterflies get the better of me.
I'm ready for the electricity.
I'm ready to be so nervous I can't eat.
I'm ready to wonder what he's wondering.
I'm ready for hugs.
I'm ready to feel obsessed and absurd.
I'm ready for a bestfriend.
I'm ready for someone to know me better than I know mysef.
I'm ready for my heart to feel like it's bursting out of my chest.
I'm ready to cry my eyes out when it all turns out wrong.


I'm ready.

But am I really?

Eh

The funny thing about lonliness is that it happens when you would never even be with another person anyway, like at 12 in the night, or right before you go to sleep. It's not a feeling I particularly enjoy or experience very often, but lately there's just something different. I've been finding myself wanting that number I can call if I'm bored on a wednesday night and want to do something spontaneous, or if I've just had a huge fight with my brother and I need some chocolate and a good hug.

Today

I have red fingernails. It is special. Red is my bold colour. This week I'm going to be bold.

I've Decided I Love

• Reading my scriptures after everyone else has gone to sleep. It's the most peaceful time in the house, and I can really think clearly about what I'm reading.
• Reading Michael Marshall after everyone's gone to bed. I've never known fear quite like a Michael Marshall book after dark, and they read better when it's in the back of your mind that maybe thins could be happening right now.
• Swimming laps after aerobics. It's the cool down where all i need to think about is what number I'm up to, and how many more before I stop to get the water out of my goggles.
• Singing in the car. There's nothing better than a smartly conceived playlist and kms of road waiting to hear my voice.
• Bamboo chimes. I have one in the tree outside my window, it allows me to hear the wind, even if it's only a breeze.
• Reality TV. I never thought I'd see the day when I'd admit this, but shows such as "Farmer Wants a Wife" and "Beauty and the Geek" really have my heart. Not to mention the really inspirational and beautiful ones such as "Domestic Blitz"!
• Keeping a journal. Writing my thoughts out stops me from overflowing my brain.
• Positivity. I'm always trying to excel at this, because I really do have a tendancy to be cynical and sarcastic.
• Being able to decide whether I want curly or straight hair in the morning. Thanks hair for being naturally curly and thanks hair straightener for being realllly hot.
• Being young and single, not for the reason that most people do though. I have the capacity to learn so much in my youth, and I'm really trying to make the most of this short time, to spend on study and on developing my character and strengthing my faith, so that when I'm older I will always have this knowledge and this foundation in the gospel. I heard this really great quote too, I have to paraphrase because I don't know it word for word, but it said we aren't here in this life to prove to God who we are, He knows everything, He already knows who we are. We are here to find out for ourselves who we are, because we knew once, but that veil we went through on the way to this life has left us in the dark a little. So that's the quote, and the reason it's relevant is because that's what I want to spend this time doing, figuring out who I am. And what better way is there to do it than to learn about where I started out, and where I'm headed. Recently at stake conference one of the speakers said that it's healthy for the soul to know where you're from, and where you're going. That's what I have a real hunger to find out, along with a million other things. And like Summer said from The OC, You can't make a circle unless the two halves are whole. By the time I meet that guy I'm gonna meet who will eventually convince me to marry him somehow, I want to be a full semicircle. his is something I'm obviously passionate about and have sooooo much to say about, but I shall leave it at that considering it is again 1am in the morning and I don't want to make this a bad habbit.

Delerium at 1am.

UGGGGGGGHHHHHH! I've learned two things about myself recently, I am a slow runner and I'm so not smooth! The first fact I can deal with, I don't really need to run fast unless I'm running away from something, but the second fact is giving me some trouble. Usually my unsmoothness works in my favour but I totally froze tonight and now things may or may not be weird.
That's another thing I do, I can be awesome friends with someone one day, and say anything in the world, then I'll realise that maybe I might just have some feelings there for this person and the next day I can't string a sentance together without feeling like an idiot! Is that normal?? And why doesn't it go away when the cons outweigh the pros? Technically it should, in all logic if something is not going to work then the concept is changed, it's remodelled as soon as the problem is located. I've located the problem but nothing's changed!!! Eww I hate this. But I also don't. Why? You ask. I shall tell you why...
The chase is an exciting thing, it's something I reallly enjoy. It does have its ups and its downs, but that's what makes it so much fun. When its down you figure out what you can do to make it an up, then you do it and succeed and everything is wonderful. However, when you do something in hope of making it an up, and you fail, you get more down, which means its harder to get back up again. But on a rollercoeaster the down bit it the best part, so you always have to look at the biggest picture.
Now the reason this probably reads like jibberish is because its almost 1am and I need to get it out of my head so I don't dwell on my epic fail tonight! I can dwell on my epic success which I had today, but I'm not sure about that yet, I don't know enough to know whether it is what it seems like. Soooooooooo that's why I started with an ugggggggggghhhhh! because of boys, i knew there was a reason I decided not to get a new boyfriend until 2010, because even boys that don't know I maybe might like them a tiny little bit really annoy the hell outta me. Imagine what it'd be like if they actually knew, ugggggghhhhhhh! so much work! But that's ok i guess, i mean it wouldn't be so hard once they knew, because then that whole questioning would be gone. You'd know for sure where they stood instead of second guessing everything!!!! uuuuggggghhhhh! I think they should put that in the dictionary, because it is so useful in describing exactly how i feel. If it were in the dictionary this is what it'd look like.

Uggggghhhhh!: An expression of exasperation, however unlike exasperation uuugggghhhh! has both positive and negative components to it. The negative component is usually in reference to a circumstance that appears futile, but really just requires the notion of "wait and see" to mend what appears to be wrong. The positive component is that the circumstance is too much fun, or too valuable to just give up or ignore, and deep down its worth all the hastle.

I wonder how that'd go in the dictionary. Not very well I assume because it really only works for me right now in this exact situation. Which, overall is a good situation, well it's better than no situation i think, and it may even be a little bit challenging. I do love a challenge, especiallly one like this.

I'm gonna try to explain this.

Why is it so hard to say easy things? Like "I like you," or "We should hang out more." There always seems to be "what ifs?" Or "I can't because..." Is it because we are protecting ourselves, "What ifs?" do help if it's something like "What if prison hasn't changed him and he still has murderous tendancies?" But what about "What if he says no?" Is that really a legitimate inhibition? And why are the "What ifs?" always negative. What is wrong with the way we speak to ourselves that the "What ifs?" are always negative? I don't like this fact.
I have a friend who said she wants to be about change, she was talking about changing the world, helping the poor in third world countries. Well I want to be about change too, but I want to change myself. I want to tell a boy I like him even if I'm sure he'll never ever like me back, because if I say something, it means I'm not saying nothing, which means I have a much greater chance at getting what I want. I want to face an impossible challenge and hear the words "I can!" pop into my head before I hear "I can't because..." I want to believe I can finish anything I start, without a single doubt. I want the right attitude and I know where to start.
I've made a "To Do List," it may take me my whole life to accomplish, but that's okay, because it will also shape me into an incredible person. It reads;

1. Be tolerant of all.
2. Don't murmer.
3. Edify and uplift.
4. Recognise the Lord's hand in all things.
5. Be humble.
6. Be teachable.

That's my solution from changing an "I can't," into an "I can." I'll let you know how it goes.

I think...

Everyone should just chill the hell out!

Am I Doing It Wrong?

Theres this article in the ensign abot blogger which has made me realise that maybe blogger is a lot bigger than i first assumed. it really seems like its the most amazing thing ever and almost bigger than facebook or myspace in the ensign, and im just not getting those vibes from it. thus i have deduced that maybe im doing it wrong, although i didnt know it was even possible to blog wrong.

I promise to love you blog

its a new day for blogdom. i swear my devotion and dedication for atleast until decemeber or until i forget about you again. because you are my new out loud diary, i feel like talking to no one once again. heres some funny news, i really like the song "like it like that" by guy sebastian, so ive decided i must buy the album. i never in a million years thought this to be remotely possible. i also just started listening to les sages, and its really hitting the spot, also ben folds, i need some more of him. his song "the frown song" is just excellent beyond my abilities to describe, actually i do have the abilities to describe how excellent it is but im not going to because its easier to just hear it for yourself. i also found this thing on my laptop that ive never seen before called windows dancer, and a little fat man come up whenever i put on music and does these fully lame, but oh so awesome, dance moves. i may borrow from him next time i go out dancing. speaking of which, i may not go out for an extended period of time, the last two times i went i got violently ill soon after for no apparent reason, so ive dedused im allergic to pubs, haha.ohhhh yay, the frown song just came on. i could have a dance party right now. i really enjoy a good synth solo. i really do not enjoy the cruddy music thats filling the radio these days though.

My Weekend was Spesh

For some reason, at this exact moment, of 9:06pm, on this exact day, i really feel the need to express myself. I feel funny, not haha funny, although I am hilarious (okay maybe haha funny), but weird funny, but the weird funny where you don't know why it feels weird, except I do know why it feels weird I just don't want to say it, because as soon as I say it it becomes real, and at the minute I want it to keep being just a thing in my head with no words attached to it yet.
Execpt I did attach words to part of it the other day, except at the time I was borderline delerius so I'm thinking about striking it from the record.
What I'm also thinking of is posting all the summary sheets I do for institute, because I don't want them to go to waste on just one person, or get lost. I don't know if it will make a great deal of diference considering noone reads my log, but who knows!
I have a few at the moment. There's;
1. Symbolism and Typology in the OT.
2. The Passover
3. Exodus 20; The Ten Commandments
4. Names of the Lord
They kinda rock. If I do say so myself.
I also had the opportunity to be an out patient at Cessnock Hospital this weekend, and it only took them and hour to fix me, I worked out, the sicker you are, the less time it takes. Which makes sense obviously, but now I know if I'm not very sick it doesn't matter if I got there first.
The doctor with the shorts above his knees and whie socks (as he was known to me in my dehydrated and suffering brain) shorty long socks was his nickname, gave me a needle and two cups of electrolytes (it was called something else but I can't recall the name) and made me so much better.
Thanks shorty long socks!
Thanks slightly angry sister who triaged me!
Thanks electrolytes!
Thanks maxilin needle!
Thanks dad and mum!